In December, I began toying with a new practice that has dramatically shifted my need to be “perfect” to being good instead; feeling more content, dancing in self-gratitude, drowning out noise and doing more passionate work because of it.

This new practice has forced me to really face myself in an imperfect light and be human. To be kinder and more compassionate – to others and to myself.

This new practice has enabled me to release a lot of anxiety, specifically PTSD, and have a greater sense of power over the “power of control” that was crushing me on the inside.

This new practice was my gateway into successfully meditating everyday.

It began when a friend and well known author had suggested I consider Transcendental Meditation as a way to cope with a heavy bout of depression and anxiety I was having that just wouldn’t let up.

This depression had happened to me before, but it never lasted this long and I was scared it wasn’t going to go away this time around.

He presented a good case and pointed out that every game changer I know and know of meditates. People you wouldn’t think to associate with meditation practice it daily, people like Russell Simmons to Ellen Degeneres to the most Type A Business Moguls out there.

So I did some “how-to” research, and dove right in!

I did exactly what I read about: Deep breaths, prescribed mantras, perfect posture.

Result: More anxiety.

I must be doing something wrong, I thought. So I surfed for a few guided meditations to help my newbie status ease into this enlightened practice.

Result: Repeating what the guides were saying out loud…in a british accent.

This clearly wasn’t working (for me). These mantras and recordings just weren’t resonating with my own thoughts and desires.

And that’s when my new practice was borne!

Here it is: I’ve taken my normal journaling and prayer from writing to recorded audio, one take, all the way through.

Here’s why: It doesn’t allow for me to compose or edit my words on paper. Instead, what I playback are my raw thoughts, my long pauses, and my emotions. Things a perfectionist would absolutely sensor and polish otherwise.

Here’s what happened: When I started to playback my first 5-minute recording, I cried.

I was driving home from a client’s house in Beverly Hills and had to pull over to take it all in, and then let it all out.

I heard pain, I heard struggle, I heard fear but most importantly I heard hope.

I had forever held myself to this impossible standard of ‘having it all together’. I’ve worked hard my whole life to portray this picture that I CAN deal with it all: The uphill climb, the awful criticism, the losses, my PTSD, the loneliness, the doubt, the responsibility, the rejection…it goes on.

I worked so hard to exude this ‘act’ that I actually believed I could keep it up without paying a price and when shit would hit the fan I wouldn’t grant myself permission to feel it.

In fact, if I did feel it, I shamed myself for it.

Listening to that playback gave me the ability to hear what I was saying as if I was listening to a friend or relative.

From that recording I was able to find the right mantras, MY mantras, to ease into when I would next time sit down and meditate.

At that particular place in my life, I was neglecting a big component of self love, specifically self-gratitude and forgiveness; I had misplaced my sense of womanly power and felt disconnected inside.

Being clear with you, I don’t think I am a grand actress and that any of this had been hidden from the world, but it was pretty clear that I was doing a good job at fooling myself.

In that short voice memo, I made myself my own client and listened from the outside-in to the voice that asked, “How can you be so grateful for everything around you but not for everything within you?”

My first mantra came after that question: “The greatest power a woman can have is loving herself.”

Boom.

Back in December, I said that a month was too soon to report any sticky change but that I would keep at it and let you guys know how this experience has been for me.

Now, 7 months later I can tell you that meditation isn’t just a thing I do twice a day for 20 minutes but a true practice that I carry with me throughout the whole day.

Every week, I record a new journal entry, start to finish, no pausing, and from there I find my mantra to focus on during meditation.

Anxiety doesn’t stand a chance when I am looking her in the face with this method.

What else I’ve noticed is my response to criticism from others is almost down to no response at all and my compassion has increased, for others and for myself.

Instead of killing myself over nothing, I’ve learned to forgive myself.

What do you think about this “live journaling” to ease into meditation?

If you’ve struggled in the past or are currently looking for someway to get into regular meditation, try this practice out and let me know how finding your own mantra goes by either leaving a comment here or sending me a message through my contact form.

It might be weird the first time to essentially ‘talk to yourself’, so I suggest you find a place you feel comfortable that’s private so you can give yourself enough time to get into the flow.

Looking forward to hearing from you!

Trust your gut,
xoM

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